Monday Chat | Oct 6, 2025

📌 Question: "Why Are Your Refugees Still Asking You for Permission?" If they can’t make decisions without you after 6 months, you’re not helping—you’re the bottleneck.

Picture us again sitting over coffee. You’ve been helping a refugee family to settle down in a country. They’re struggling with language, missing family, homesick. And that question creeps in...

You’ve been working with the same family for months. They call you before making any decision. Should they take this job? Enroll in this class? Talk to that neighbor?

You feel needed. You feel helpful. You answer every call.

But here’s the uncomfortable question: are you building their capacity, or have you become their decision-making prosthetic?

THE PROBLEM

Most practitioners operate from a crisis intervention model. Someone has an urgent need, you solve it. Fast response time becomes the metric of good service.

Here’s what this looks like in practice: A refugee asks if they should accept a job offer. You analyze the salary, commute, and benefits. You tell them what to do. They thank you. You feel accomplished.

You just taught them they can’t evaluate a job offer without expert help.

Multiply this interaction across housing, healthcare, education, and legal appointments. After six months, you haven’t built capacity—you’ve created institutional dependency. They’ve learned the system requires a translator, not just of language, but of decision-making itself.

The hidden cost? When you’re unavailable, they’re paralyzed. When funding ends, they’re still incompetent in their own lives.

THE INSIGHT

The shift from helper to capacity-builder requires one fundamental change: stop answering questions and start teaching question frameworks.

When someone asks “Should I take this job?” they’re actually asking five questions they haven’t learned to separate:

1. Can I survive on this salary? (Math problem)

2. Is this employer trustworthy? (Pattern recognition)

3. Will this help my long-term goals? (Strategic thinking)

4. What are the trade-offs? (Decision framework)

5. How do I know I’m deciding correctly? (Confidence building)

Your job isn’t to answer the first question for them. It’s to teach them to ask all five—and develop their own answer protocol.

A resettlement agency in Toronto tested this approach. Instead of “I think you should take it,” case workers started responding: “Walk me through how you’d evaluate this. What matters most to you about a job right now?”

The first few conversations took longer. Three months later, their clients were bringing solutions, not just problems.

THE PRACTICE

This week, try the Question Framework Protocol:

When someone asks you for advice, respond with: “That’s a great question. Before I share what I think, walk me through how you’re thinking about this.”

Listen for what’s missing in their analysis (information, framework, confidence). Provide only that piece.

Then ask: “Based on what you just told me, what do you think the answer is?”

If they’re still uncertain, teach the decision framework explicitly: “Here’s how I’d think through any job offer. First, I’d look at... What would you add to that list?”

You’ll know this is working when clients start calls with “I think I should do X, but wanted to check my thinking” instead of “What should I do?”

That’s not dependency. That’s readiness.

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The Voice Behind the Writing

I focus on creating pathways that make it easier for people to move forward in a new setting. My goal is to raise a community of newcomers who are strong, informed, and prepared for their next steps.

I begin by entering their lives, listening, and building trust. I walk with them through trauma, helping them heal and find strength again. As stability grows, I guide them toward safe transition options and prepare them for what lies ahead.

Community integration is not the starting point. It is the final step of a long and difficult journey. Along the way, I make information clear and open so newcomers know their choices, and so the public knows how to act with them.

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